One would think that he or she has complete control of his or her body. They would include thoughts, emotions, reflexes, and bodily functions. It is frightning to discover that one is in fact NOT in control of ones self. Imagine standing in the kitchen during a day that had no major events and cooking dinner then all of the sudden this magnificent urge enters your brain out of nowhere "if I shred up my arms, people can see why I'm in pain". You have to literally ply your fingers from the knife to drop it and take some good deep breaths. Where the hell did that come from? I was just thinking about asking Braydon to go clean up his stuff outside. The same goes with physical. I can be in bed sleeping a sit straight up because the back of my neck feels like firecrackers are going off inside of it. My entire face is buzzing like when a foot goes to sleep. I am literally filled of fear and panic and I have no idea what for. Sometimes I get so scared I lose control of bodily functions.

I ws talking my my psyco therapist about this yesterday. One that I need to find a way to cope or work through these moments cuz they happen once or twice a day sometimes. I also told her that I understand why some people do things that don't make sense. I am not so judgement of those who commit sucide (still wrong) or do bizzare things. I wonder if it would be easier NOT knowing that these thoughts are wrong. Like having dimensia or alzheimers. KNOWING makes the fact that one can't control the body even worse. To KNOW that these are weird and wrong, to completely see what it does to friends and family, hindering your responsibilities etc. is worse. Not only do you get to have the privilidge of feeling these unwanted and unprovoked experiences but you get to feel the guilt, inadequacies, doubt etc. that goes with it because you are aware.

I still think that after a visit with a psych docotr that one should have stitches to show for it. A litlle one on the breast ( i had a lump removed), whatever. LOL. I need a bunch to explain at work. Oh well. Cross that bridge when I get there.

Have a Dr. appt. today. Woohoo. Can't wait to see what cocktail he'll put me on next. Hailey has YW and doesn't want to go tonight so, we'll see how that goes. UGH! A dress and people I've been avoiding..........be a good mom, do the right thing.........oh hell. :)