It just leaves me in constant awe when my mind and emotions decide to run on their own. It is like little prankster monsters with a sneak attack. I can be quietly eating a bowl of cereal thinking about returning some rented movies and I look up at my badly needing dusted blinds and the strings and BANG I see them as a noose and feel such a strong emotion of despair and my mind is in fast forward thinking it through, figuring it out how to execute. So I made a list of why things wont work.

The rope: because there is no way those skinny little things will hold up a fat lady like me for a second and I wouldn't even know where to buy one that big or tie the right knot!

The car: I paid off on purpose with our tax returns so now these would be too expensive. When I am fiesty I would love to ram it into something or some other car. In despair I'ld run it off of a cliff or close my eyes on the freeway take my hands off the wheel and say what will be will be. I also paid it off so we wouldn't have the payment if we loose a job or something. Too expensive of an idea now.

A gun: This I've never really considered too messy and if you screw up.....you look like an idiot who couldn't do it right.

Slit your wrist: Never wanted to slit my wrist. Mine is accross my belly. The nurses have a hard time finding good bleeder veins, so I'm sure I couldn't. It would coagulate (?) before anything happened and I'ld have to go take myself in and tell my stupid story and get checked into in patient psych.

Pill OD: The Dr. isn't giving me enough to do that right now. Which is good. I tried this once in Richmond but, Corey caught me.

Today is one of the last quiet days. Still really stuffed up and probably will return movies this afternoon if I feel like I can drive and maybe just read and sleep. Mabye will surf for Haileys quilt. If anyone sees a double sided bright turqoise and orange quilt call me.! Tomorrow is Dr. ,one in late a.m. one in afternoon then the kids are home until april.