Went to the psychiatrist. He says that the lithium levels in my body are about where they should be. (no more blood work for me for now) I told him that I was pissed at our last visit because I was labled a bipolar II. I told him that I have the middleground line of indifference, the piss and vinegar, and the depths of hell and despair. If I'm bipolar I want the up part of that roller coaster so, add the happy pill. He said "you don't want that part of bipolar where you're that full of energy and euphoria to run around with underwear on your head". I looked at him dead serious and said, hey, I'ld gladly take it once in a while after being stuck in this hole. LOL So, If you see me on the internet arrested as a streaker. Don't cry...celebrate.

I also told him about some of the thoughts I had and the amount of sleep I'm getting. He wants me to go to a psychologist (that's the talking one). I'm debating. Been there done that......and I need to see if my insurance will pay for 2 wacko Dr.'s at the same time. We'll see.

Meds. Well, I thought he'ld play with the latest addition to my cocktail...lithium (mood stablilizer and anti depressent booster). Nope. He says the aggression may be from high antidepressant (paxil). Sooo.....my true love and my sanity and literally part of my body chemistry for 10 years gets cut in half starting tonight. First few days shouldn't matter. I've done it before if I forget to take meds to moms etc. Dr. says I'm lucky this one doesn't have any major physical withdrawal effects....I'll probably just feel like crap and now add the flu. (YAY FOR ME!) So, the next week might be a new ride. I meet with him again Wed. (1 week) and we'll go from there. He's talking about maybe adding wellbutrin or some other drug I forget. He said he has a few things to try and I in my best mannered sarcasm...." because this is like fishin', not science." He smiled and nodded.

Two more weeks from now I'm scheduled to go to work. Today if someone asked me to reverse an overdraft fee I'ld either cry with them. Or be insensitive enough to help their ego fit under a thimble. I'm still honery.....that or the Buys part of me is just coming out more as I get older.

So, here's where my head goes in circles. Where do the claws and broom come from? Is it the meds? Is it because I truely am pissed that I am back into this hell again? I'm just a Buys getting older? Is it because I can't figure out who I am and what I'll be by the time this gets worked out? A combination plate? Makes me crazy. What about the tears and inadeqaucies. Does anyone remember a time that I HAVEN'T had that. How does that play into it. Where does it come from? My District Manager says to work on it..........ok. this is wader deep shit. I'm going to call and get a phychologist and if she can't answer these questions on the first visit her ass is fired.