So, I have one week left on approved leave from work. Let's see.....I just started letting my body know that it can't have the sanity candy it has had for 10 years AND we're only 1/2 way there. I am sick, sleeping 50% of the time and still meaner than snot and teary as heck. This should be interesting. I'm screwed.

I got my first bill for my psych. Yes, I have a $20 copay BUT my insurance only pays just less than half of the total charge. So, My last visit was $275 for 45 min. and a prescription. I paid my copay $20 and my insurance paid $130. Congratulations to me I get to pay the difference of $125! And they want me to start with a psychologist, which I just scheduled at the same prices and process. Where the hell is Daddy Warbucks? I am sick to my stomach and a bit buzzy with 1/2 of meds. but, it has only been since Wed. I thought the withdrawal would be worse. Mainly I feel rage.

Yup, the claws, the broom, the bite, and now to loose control. I literally want to throw and break everything in site. When I drive, I want to just smack into someone head on. I have already been swearing like a sailor but, have added some stronger words to my vocabulary and I'm freaking out because I don't want to pay $300 a week for meds and shrinks, I don't want to go back to work, I don't want to be home, I don't want anything! I want to shred myself on my arms so people have something to gawk at every time they ask if I'm Ok and won't shut up when I say I'm tired or I'm fine. I am not going to be the f!^(*^ nice girl anymore. This stuff sucked 10 years ago and it sucks more now! What the hell am I 'spose to do? No matter what I continue to loose more of myself and without work I will loose everything.

Ever since I got up this morning I have had this little shake or quiver in my chest. It just keeps growing and getting stronger. I fight to keep my hands down and busy and to stay on my feet. I have to be strong....If my hands cover my face and my legs give way.... my children will see me crumble in the corner sobbing. I try so hard not to let them see me that way. I hide in my closet and close all the doors. Sometimes, I can get to bed early and take my meds. to sleep them away.

Despite the rage, the quivers and the tears. I keep looking in the mirror and a completely blank expression stares back at me. No one can see what battle goes on inside. Not even me. I just watch myself get taken over and lost. Still empty. Still unwilling to fight for someone I don't know anymore.

I stashed cash to leave for a week. time to think....time to let out the emotion....dad says no, he won't even let me 'run away' if I take mom. So, this summer. I'm running away with everyone. he's not the boss of me.

So you have a lighter side to this one.

Heidi ranting: "Mom, have you ever just wanted to take your dishes and throw them against the wall?"
Mom thoughtfully: "no, I've wanted to take everything out and put it back right though."

Doesn't that sound like mom? Dad doesn't know what to do with me being so ballsy and mouthy. This is not something he can solve with logic and daddy's girl hasn't been a bitch to him before. I feel so terrible for making them worry so much. I'm the oldest. I'm 'suppose to be taking care of everybody else and I am failing miserably. Right know I just have to concede that I suck at everything, I control nothing and while we're "fishing" to figure this out, I hope that someone semi-decent gets caught.