My sister and I had a short visit. Apparantley she finds humor in my blogger therapy. Today I have had two amazing accomplishments. 1) I am at the top of the recent update list. 2) I was able to cut and paste a picture of my psychiatrist on my blog page.

My Dr. who called and canceled my appointment for tomorrow....his office just called and gave me a reminder for an appointment Friday. I have been sitting in ponderment and decided....I'm not goin' anywhere until next Wed. with the shrink.

A lot of people have threatened to come over, well except for daddy he just declared it, anyway. I think the best thing that could happen is someone take my hubby and kids to THEIR house. Or I would go somewhere else. Who ever thought one would volunteer for solitary confinement? Another big explanation point on the WACKO. I would love a place of my own for a while. I'ld have to set some rules though.
1- Turn on the F*^#@! lights to brighten the days mood.(I prefer dark, but you get my drift)
2- No incoming calls accepted.
3- Text or call parents and hubby daily so they know it's ok.
4- Have to be out the door by lunchtime for shopping, walking, something.
5-No lavish spending.
6- Have to work or volunteer part time.
7- Have to eat and take meds as prescribed.

Believe it or not. I have not even turned the TV on since I started my meds. last week. It has been nice peace and quiet. I read one book.....wasn't anything great. Need a good read. I wish I was like my mother always having something going. Dad suggested making wheat bread with my grinder. I use to love to bake. It's an exhausting task and a pain with the whole process. I did buy some new sprinkles today though while we were at MAC's.

I'm thinking. What is the point of me making the effort to do this again? I've endured it for over 10 years. I have lost emotion and literally feel a part of my heart of chest is gone. I fell on my face despite my best efforts of sarcasm and really I haven't complained that much. Soooooo....I drug up to be mediocre and tolerable of life to wait until I get knocked on my ass again? And my children are better off watching all of this because.......why?

My psych asked if I had panic attacks or racing thoughts. I have and do but, I asked him what to define what those were...his response in the psych world panic attacks are like orgasms, if you don't know what it is, you haven't had it. I almost opened my mouth but I didn't want to prove myself an ass and say...."I've had the panic attacks....not the orgasms". I think that must be a side effect of no emotion or something. Well, that probably didn't need to be in the blog. It's the truth and just one more thing I don't get. What kind of drugs give euphoria and bliss? How about a good laugh?

A truck pulled in front of me today coming back from getting some stuff for one of haileys million school projects....if I hadn't had the kids with me...I thought I wouldn't even stop or swerve. Twisted yes. But, I DIDN"T DO IT! The weird thing.....I had no jitters, no start, no emotion . It was as if nothing happened and I just listened to Braydon and Haileys "holy crap!" "that was freaky".

Well, I'm off to pop my 5 pills. Looking forward to another blood draw tomorrow. (No one gave me results from the first one). Tomorrow I may stop at albertsons to see what their sales are. I need more groceries like a hole in my head but, hey....it's a good deal. If nothing else maybe my leave will put us on a good path to food storage. LOL. and debt. Hahahahaha. I'm still not buying Diet Coke though. I'm stickin to my guns on that one.