I called mom last night. She is on her way this morning. I'm so sick to my stomach and my mind is racing a million miles a min. with a hurting tigly headache. I need someone here who can sort out reality for me. Don't get me wrong, Corey is calm and sweet. He is pretty good at doing house work and getting kids to bed and school etc. He even asks me every couple of days if I'm ok or if I need anything. As usual, he asks as tears are streaming down my face and I'm arranging for Kallee to go to Vickies and calling mom. I shake my head no. He sits by me for a min. and then he is off. After so many years, he still hasn't a clue. I use to hate him for that but, it will never change and I have given up relying on him for the emotional support.
Imagine looking around at your job and family and knowingly you can't take care of them. It makes the inadquacy part even worse but, in a way I know I still have some control because I can recognize it and do something for them.
Today my mind is racing with all of the things I need to do to get things in order in case I'm not here sometime. Corey wouldn't have a clue about bills or finances, what I want done with the insurance policy money. I need the house cleaned and put in order, the living room needs new furniture, we need new glasses and silverware, the yard needs finished, letters to the kids. etc.
Damn. that list will take me forever.
I can't and don't want to go back to my job. What do I tell everyone who asks where I've been? I can't handle it right now. I'ld probably cry or yell on my conference calls. I don't think it is what I want to do anymore. But, I need good insurance. I need a resume that is toned down a little bit. Maybe when my thoughts aren't speghetti I'll work on that.
I keep standing in front of the mirror to catch a glimpse of what I'm feeling. Still an empty shell. Instead of empty chest, it is feeling back up with fear like it did the first time. Still, can't see it in my reflection. So I keep sleeping and waiting for something to wake up inside of me and change.
SUMMER!!!!
1 comment:
Hang in there. You don't need to worry about anything. Especially finances and letters to the kids.
We were expecting this withdrawl crash was coming right?.. Just hang in there.. . and hopefully your body will adjust to not having its crutch.. sooner rather then later. Just try to breathe. ( to quote Ethan.. Just breathe man!)
So glad mom is coming to help.
I hope you can extend your time off work. definetly need to have that happen. Send your resume to Paul let him clean it up and throw it up on Monster. do you know what you want to do?
Right now just try to get through hon. Hey you could work for a reovery center and could probably understand people who are detoxing and what that feels like. And your not even a drug addict. HA!
love ya!
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