This morning started out fair enough. Poke. prayer. Be careful. It snowed and the roads were icy. This is to my benefit as I rear-ened someone coming out of Vickies sub-division...Honestly, I don't remember anything from the intersection before to that point. But, whew going slow and that"dang ice" and no damage done. Even two Honda Odysseys are tough as tanks. I headed home and started a load of laundry, took a bath, addressed Valentines to grandmas and nieces and nephews and it is now noon thirty and I haven't been back in bed.

My doctors office keeps calling, they need my signature on a form I gave them signed two weeks ago. Since I am seeing a shrink, they informed me that they are cancelling my appointment tomorrow. I expressed my thoughts on my latest cocktail and of course...."it takes some time to get use to that one". Basically, I think I got dumped by my family Dr. My shrink charges $30 for every phone call and he charges $17 for every perscription refill. My hell, $300 per hour just isn't quite enough for ya? I don't even like him. But, I'm going again next Wed. and we'll go from there. I think I 'm going to spend my money by asking him about his experience with depression and how that has helped him be successful in his practice. In our last visit he said to me "When it comes to mental cases it is more like fishing than science." I already know that to be true......I can't count how many things I've tried. Still wish I had Staceys mad skills to post his photo. I'ld make it a dart board.

Valentines Day, is this like halloween to torture parents while making boxes, valentines, candy etc.? Even Hailey has do it for 1 class this time.

You know how in health class you have that picture of the human body? I think I'm going to draw one and lable all of the difference is the mental cases.
Skull- not sure if it is inward or outward pressure but, pressure all the same that the skull and eveything inside it hurts. Often times insides also feels full of thick fog.
Eyes- Sensitive to lights. feel like they need to move forward. watching from a distance.
Face- At high times face is numb and tingles like your foot is asleep.
Base of head and neck- All muscles very tight sometimes even into jaw. feels like raw nerves ending there going off like a shock or a fire cracker. When anxiety is high, it is difficult to even turn ones head.
Chest- Feels sadly empty. empty vessel takes deep, long breaths to fill. In one center of rib bones there is a feeling of fear. sometimes stronger than others but, always there. Like someone is behind you in a dark alley.
Stomach- not hungry, no realy cravings, thoses that come are short lived. You have to remind yourself to eat and drink.
other Stomach- pain, iritible, upset. when anxiety hits you can plan on spending most of the day in the restroom.
Spine- Is so taught and tightly twisted. It too has these raw nerves or raw energy that runs. It is painful to the touch and lay on at times.
Legs- Extremely stiff and sore or pure jello.
Emotions- run the gamet daily. If lucky it is indifference, other days or moments it is rage, frustrations, despair, inadequacies, lots of tears, every regret of your life is a vivid memory. You catalog every reason you shouldn't put yourself or loved ones through this and fight for finding the reasons you should.

My parents are coming this weekend weather pending. I am embarrassed for them to see me this way. What is they make me angry and I tell them to leave? What if I find such comfort in having them here that I can't handle it when they leave? I will be getting truely dressed this time and will be my first social outing with all of the background noise. I don't know what we'll do for the kids....I'm kinda glad it isn't just Corey and I. It will be more comfortable this way.