Ten years ago (or maybe a little more) after a stressful week and anxiety running high. I awoke to my heart racing, feeling like a huge weight was pinning me to bed and a felt a fear that I have never ever felt before. My body was buzzing, like every nerve in my body....it was like my foot was asleep ALL OVER. I heard "smee, smeeee!" screaming from the TV room where Corey was trying to get Hailey asleep.

This was only the first of many hellish days or moments for months or even a year to come. I tried prozac, serzone, wellbutrin etc. I couldn't bear to be alone with my thoughts. After many struggles and time spent on the shrinks couch.......I asked a question in frustration about when I would be "me again"....His answer: "You may not be....are you willing to accept who you are now?" I have resigned to accepting the new me. I have become almost comfortable and safe not feeling much emotion, riding the roller-coaster, and I have to admit using an awesome sense of humor and sarcasm to whisk it away.

Today I am at home just finishing my first week of the required paid time off to start my short term disability. I have found myself in the dreaded place I swore I would NEVER be again. I am a guinea pig trying the latest cocktails, trying to tolerate telling my story to strangers over and over again. I am not at all bonding to my psychiatrist, I'm running out of things to tell my staff why I am gone. In patient/out patient, it's fixable.

Ten years ago I was young, tenacious, full of responsibility, belief....almost fierce. I am only half of that person now and the desire to fight this is not nearly as strong. I sleep most of these times. I have become even more of an anti-social.

I don't know if I am grateful or disappointed that I am a coward and can't follow through with my thoughts on how I can spare my family and friends this pain. (yes, I can already hear all of your responses-so don't) I do have to say that I can understand why most mental cases use alcohol or drugs. Going a long time without any kind of laughter or euphoria is taxing.

This is going to be a long month. (God please let it only be a month) I am approved off until March 3rd or so. It is going to be a very long few weeks.

Let's see.....I think I'm my third or so cocktail. Currently paxil, clonazapam, and get this LITHIUM. My sensory system is on overload. Sound comes through megaphones, every touch makes my nerves go off like a firecracker.

Really, this whole anti-depressant mood stabilizer business is a bunch of shit. Almost every single one has a side effect of weight gain (which we've already witnessed and I can personally vow that weight gain does not help the depressed) and mood stabilizers seems to be for indifference, low/sad or pissed at the world. Where the hell are the ones for weight loss and uppers???

Your answer is No. there isn't really anything anyone can do. Sleeping through it is best. Honestly, I have a bit of bite in me right now so, eeeshhhh tread lightly and keep your distance. As usual, Corey is helping by staying away doing dishes, laundry etc. Kallee is very motherly, Braydon I tell repeatedly to quiet and settle down. Hailey, reminds me that I'm lazy and don't do anything. LOL.

I'm ok. Just want you to know that I'm home and what was going on. Love to all.